Kieran 2.0: Day 9

So I'm on day 2 of my three day weekend and I'm loving the time off. Today was a very lazy day, I relaxed and watched some old school South Park with Kameele. Overall it was a good day, but the looming student loan bills are on my mind in a big way. Tomorrow I'm going to finally read my options for payment plans because right now they want me to pay about 1300 dollars which isn't going to happen. I barely just make that much a month so I can not pay that at all. I don't understand it sometimes.

I honestly feel like you cannot be well educated unless you have a shit ton of money. All my life teachers and guidance councilors tell you to go to college and get into the best school you can, but all it really did for me so far is put me into a ridiculous amount of debt and get me a couple dollars more than minimum wage at my job. I'm in dire need of that change I was talking about and a year may be too long for me. I want to be comfortable, I want to be secure and I want money. I hate to put so much value into money but in this world it really does rule. I just want to be able to do what I want, and what I love to do without having to worry on a daily basis whether or not I'm going to have to sell my games, or DVDs or toys.

I always wonder if there will ever be a day when I won't wake up nervous about money, or bills, or any other things that gnaw away at my life. I feel like I honestly haven't been able to live in my entire life. I always have a looming shadow of doubt over me, or some other stupid worry that keeps me from being completely happy. Once that little worry gets planted it starts ticking away in my head until it detonates into full blown nervousness or sadness. I sit in a funk all the time and the art that I used to use as an escape is the only thing I have that can save me. I've been working on some stuff for my current project I'm in to keep me sane. I made some mouth charts and finally got down to some business since I've had so much time off. I feel bad because I really neglected my work during my holiday hours, but to be honest I couldn't get to it at all. My job has consumed most of my life lately to the point where I haven't really even seen my parents in the longest time.

I hate being away from family for so long because I've always been very family oriented. Between school and work though I haven't been able to make much time for them. I haven't saw my mom and sister for about 45 minutes last week, I haven't seen my dad since my graduation, and I haven't seen my grandparents in about 2 years. The rest of my family I haven't seen in anywhere from a year to 11 years, especially my family in Ireland. I'm trying to set my goals in order to change this because we don't know how much time we all have, and I need to see them. I miss being around them, especially on the holidays. It's gone on for too long, and I need to change this because family is so important, I don't want to live life with any regrets and I shouldn't have to.

I promise myself that things would change this year. This is supposed to be my year to make things right, to make things the way I want them. I can't go on living life paycheck to paycheck, at least on my current one. The world such an expensive place and nothing comes without a price. A good life isn't only a financial cost but a mental and physical one as well. I need to stop worrying about bills and accept that they're gonna come, but I'm going to pay them. I'm going to complete this quest. I know I'm capable of big things, as we all are, it's just a matter of going for it. I don't believe we have a set destiny and that everything is a set path that you can change. I believe we all have a destiny, but it's your responsibility to achieve it. I may be destined to be the greatest animator in the world, but if I don't work at it, how will I become it? everyone is capable of doing something great, I went with what my heart told me and went for animation. Now I have to get my mind and body in sync with my heart and be what I want to be. I am in control, I am my future's past and only I can set the path to the rest of my life. I can sure as hell say that I'm not going to get anywhere sitting on my ass all day worrying about Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo busting down my door. This is my life and I'm sure as shit not going to live like a damn loser because I'm too scared. I just need to find a starting point and jump off from there. This time next year, I'm not going to be worrying about my bills, I'm going to be worrying about which animation job I want more the awesome paying one or the awesomer paying one. I won't let myself down. Well reader(s) I'm gonna head out for the night. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow!

-Kieran