Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I did end up calling Sallie Mae today but I didn't get anything done until after 8 PM. I called around 2 but they had some problems that led me to getting hung up on and redirected to an infinite loop on the phone menu. I finally got through after over a half an hour and they told me to call back in a half an hour. I called back at 8. I was ridiculously nervous because all I could think of was what if I don't qualify to postpone my loans. When I deal with financial aid type stuff I get overly nervous because I don't know what's going on half the time. It's kind of funny though because while I was in school I had to do all my financial aid stuff myself because my adviser was a useless bitch named Alicia McGregor. She did everything in her power to do as little as possible and be as rude as anyone could be. By the way I have no problem naming her because if you have her as your adviser, do yourself a favor and switch. She's completely incompetent and doesn't get anything done unless you yell in her stupid face.
I was on the phone for about 3o minutes but I ended up postponing my loans for a low price of $150. It seems whenever I do a budget, some random crap comes up that f's my budget in the a. I have a bunch of other bills to pay also and by the time they're done, I should have about $50 to last me until my next check. I feel like I have a job for no reason because the money I make isn't even enough to pay all my bills. I know I'm not the only person with this but I have so much debt that I wonder if I'll ever have a real life one day. I try to keep positive, but unless I hit it rich, I'm going to be paying out the ass for the next hundred years. I know that it's posible to become rich but I always wonder where I start from.
I know I have good ideas, but all I hear are horror stories about how people get ideas stolen, and how corporate people only look at if they can sell toys and merchandise of the idea. I want so badly to make something big that it's all I ever think about. I wish I could just get a break and get out there but I just don't know how. I'm looking into business of animation, and I'm hoping that when we pitch the project I'm in now, I will get some experience in how to pitch ideas.
I've been working on an animation project for a few months now and I like where it's going but I'm unsure of what's going on at the moment with it. I just hope it all works out well because I put a lot of things on hold for it and got this crap job to support myself while I work on it. I'm hoping that it'll be the break I'm looking for because it could give me the experience and knowledge I need to go further with my own things as well. I'm also hoping that if it takes off, it'll mean that I can focus on it as my main job.
I wish I could say that the forbearance put my mind at ease, but it's only a quick fix. I know I can find something, and I know I will, but it's hard staying positive in such uncertainty. I'll have to sacrifice a lot and really work hard, but this is exactly what I need to get this shit going. Good night and thanks for reading.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Well I'm sitting in bed writing in the dark and I just found out I can type without looking lol. It's kinda cool because to be honest I never really tried before. Anyway On with why I'm really here. I'm really glad to see everyone doing this blog thing because I know we all need change, I know how it feels to wake up feeling unsatisfied with everything that is going on. We all have so much talent and the idea that we're wasting away is ridiculous. We can all do this, exactly the way we all did while we were in school. We've pulled through from a lot of seemingly impossible scenarios like portfolio, moving, graduating and even burning our DVDs. We always pull through and in a way we're kinda together in this electronically, I suppose.
So t0day I went in to work like usual but I'm back to wishing away the hours yet again. Instead of wishing away the hours of my shift though, I'm sitting looking at the time I have left to change things. I know I wanted to change within a year, but with this new bill that I gotta pay now, I'm really going to have to do something sooner. I can't defer my private loans or really even get a lower payment and since I made that stupid mistake and wasn't paying enough attention I have no choice but to forbear by tomorrow. This will give me exactly 90 days to find a better job before I really have to start shitting my pants.
I've just had a revelation. I'm in almost the exact same situation as a person I know. This person recently got news about their job that has left them in uncertainty. They're also looking for a new job. I am sitting here freaking out because I can't pay a bill. I'm going to postpone it and look for a different job that can pay the bill. I really think though that this is the Universe's way of saying, "Seriously Kieran, get a better job." I need to stop looking at this as hopeless and impossible and realize that I have the power to fix all my problems. I can get a job that makes enough money to pay for this bill. In fact, I will get a better job, I'm sick of sitting on a damn bus for hours a day only to sit my ass down in a mall I wouldn't even go to on my day off. I'm going to have to really make a lot of sacrifices, and I'm going to have to get serious. This time next year, I'm going to be laughing my ass off at how scared I was on top of my big pile of money. Hopefully money and not soda bottles and chicken McNugget cartons.
I was thinking about how I really wish the Art Institute had a money back Gaurentee. I'd be a lot less stressed. To be honest, I learned a lot at AI, but I also taught myself a majority of the other skills I aquired. Without the teaching of Colin Merlo, I would not be nearly as skilled as I became over time. His teaching on the fundamentals of animation were flawless and extremely intuitive. Whie it seemed like a lot of work when he was assigning it to us, it always went by fast, and I couldn't wait to stake out a table in the 6th floor animation lab.
That being said, I need to get something off my chest about two teachers who eally made an impact on my life. I won't name names but I'll just say that they were my portfolio teachers at the end of school. These two people in question came off as two of the most bitter, rude psuedo-intellectual douches I've ever met in my life. If anyone reading this has them for anything, stay with what you believe in. I sold my soul and my self respect to them for nothing but a stupid piece of paper and a demo reel of "safe" work just so I could graduate. I feared them because for the first time in my life, I was close to finishing a huge goal that I had. I was about to complete college and all I had in my way were two teachers who made it their weekly goal to make me feel like an insignificant loser.
I sat awake every night at my art desk racking my brain for something I could quickly animate and show them in a few days, ONLY to have them sit there and shit all over everything. Any positive feedback came in the form of, "Well this isn't that good, but your color choice is okay." I was told by two people who never did anything but piss of a bunch of twenty-something art students, that my work sucked and I wasn't going to find anything. Oh not to mention they gave the best of portfolio award to a plagerizer. I would say that one of my biggest goals in this is to go back to AI as an alumni guest in Colin Merlo's protfolio class and tell the new students a story of success. I want them to know that I'm going to be something and in a way it's because of them. BEcause I want them to see what I can be, and to remember what they said and realize how wrong they were.
In AI, we were all constantly bombarded by the teachers telling us that we're probably wasting our money and will never find jobs. In fact the first few days of orientation I was told I had a low chance of graduating and an even lower chance of finding a job afterwards. I heard all this but I didn't give a shit because this is what I was meant to do, this is what I have know I wanted to do since I was a kid. I wasn't going to turn my back on my dream. I may be faced with some serious shit right now, but I will never give up on my dream to do what I love. No matter what two "teachers" say about me, no matter what anyone thinks, I will do this. I'm going to be the Superstar that I always knew I could be. Sorry this was a bit of a scatterbrained rant in my blog but it's been bothering me and I never really got over what happened in that class. I honestly came pretty close to giving up for a while because I let their bullshit get to me. Keep with what you want to do, don't let someone take what you love and ruin it ever.
I was going to talk about my priorities but all I have to say about it is that I'm setting an order of operations for my goals so I can achieve them easier. Anyway I'm done, sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow.
Some art for you guys too!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Fico gave me some good tips for dieting also. I'm hoping once I get my paycheck I'll be heading to Whole Foods to buy some stuff. It's going to be hard but if I want this I need to make sacrifices. I can eat bad food later on but for now I need to really buckle down and make changes. I'm not going to change by eating Taco Bell and pizza. I've been drawing a lot more since I started this blog and I love it. I remember why I like to draw again.
When I was starting out in the Art Institute I used to sit all day with a sketch book, drawing whatever came into my mind. That was before the portfolio turned me into this cold robotic animation factory. I never felt like I had an emotional connection to anything I drew during that class. I started off with good ideas and then was just forced to perform week in week out. I would come up with ideas in a few minutes and begin animating just to meet the strict deadlines. My entire demo reel is something I'll use as an example.
I usually get a good reaction from other peop;e when they see it, but when I watch it, I only see myself completely out of ideas scraping whatever I could together to show Gullo and Wetzel so they could rip me apart and send me on my way. I know it's harsh but I really don't like my demo reel. I think it's a good piece of work but it has very little personality and feels like a chore to watch. I worked so hard on it but it all feels like a waste. It just looks like I kind of sold myself out to me. I made it more so Gullo and Wetzel would get the hell off my back and let me pass. I pumped out each cartoon in as little time as possible so I wouldn't have to listen to their constant stream of negative bullshit. I honestly get so furious whenever I think of being in that class that it makes me almost feel sick. The emotional trauma they caused so many of my friends. Some of the friends I have even hate animating because of those two. They did very little to even teach. The class was seriously wait nervously until you're called up Bring work you busted your damn ass on for a week straight up to show them. Then sit and try to swallow your pride as they begin to give their "Critique." I once lost an entire grade because they didn't like the color. Why should the color matter? They're supposed to give criticism of where you could improve but they would often take their personal preference as grading criteria. They made me forget why I wanted to draw, and they made me afraid to draw and do what I love. I will never let someone like them ruin my spirit again. Never.
I've begun to play kind of drawing games to keep myself going. I draw anything that comes to mind, even if it doesn't make any sense. I think you should all give it a try. Just start drawing but don't worry about the construction or anything, and limit yourself to finishing in about 2 minutes or however long you want. It's like improv drawing, in fact I'm sure this is probably already a real exercise, but I discovered it for myself recently. I drew some cool stuff with it that I'll post when I can get to a scanner. Tonight no art but I needed to get some stuff off my chest about my insecurities in my art. Thanks readers and thanks Jess for your awesome words, and thanks to Kameele and everyone who was inspired by this to make their own blogs. I'm glad one of my goals is getting done even if it's only a little at first. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
There’s something about working with the bare minimum that makes the drawings even more impressive. In Paint you have no hot keys, no fancy effects, just paint brush, bucket and lines. You only have a very limited color palette as well so you have to be careful. Time shot by and then I had to do a training video. The video was a lame “don’t do this don’t do that” type thing but it had hilariously bad photos to look at so it was ok. Also the quiz after each section was equally hilarious. I got it done and was treated to finding out that I will be having a 3 day weekend this week! I’m working another double on Thursday but in return I don’t have to work Saturday. Top it off with having Sunday and Monday off and I’m a happy boy.
I’m actually going to keep this blog a bit short today and finish with the pics I drew at work today. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m about to make my dinner and relax with some Call of Duty. Oh and did I mention I’m off tomorrow too? It’s a pretty cool week. Tomorrow I;m heading to hang out with mah buddy Fico so it should be a pretty awesome day. Good night all, thanks for reading and I’ll see you all tomorrow.
Monday, January 3, 2011
I never intended this blog to be me bitching for eight paragraphs about how much things suck at the moment. This was meant to be a therapeutic device for me to let off some steam and force me to stick to my goals. I’m using this blog the way an angry kid uses Xanga (yeah remember that?). I want this blog to be about change and achieving goals. I want it to be about victory and not highlight my defeats. I am trying to overcome a huge barrier in my life and I need to complain once in a while to put things in perspective. I promise this won’t be just a “today I’m pissed” blog, it will be a “today I was awesome” blog.
I didn’t have my iPod today on the bus so I think that’s one of the reasons I was so grumpy today. I usually have Rush to start my day with some groove but today I only had the loud bus riders who thing they’re completely hilarious so they make sure they tell their jokes so all the bus can hear. News flash buddy, you’re not funny, that’s why nobody laughed so you can stop repeating the same lame joke, we get it, it’s just not funny.
Back to what I was saying, this day made me think that I need to get a grip on what’s bothering me rather than just acknowledge it and make it the main subject. Things really aren’t always as important as we make them out to be, and sometimes the things we get angry about aren’t why we’re angry. I thought I was angry because I was working a double today, which is 11 hours. I let it consume my entire morning and I couldn’t think anything else. I went into work pissed off and I worte all my thoughts down. Looking back, I can’t believe I let a shift get to me so much. I was fuming, writing things that in hindsight seem so stupid. I just want to have a career rather than another job. A job is something that isn’t fun, it’s a chore. A career is a life choice, and I want one.
After today I know things will eventually change. I can’t stay unsatisfied forever. Honestly I was beating myself up all morning thinking I was a loser with a shitty job but to be honest I would be more of a loser if I was completely satisfied and didn’t ever want anything more. Losers accept losing, and even winners lose some of the time or even all of the time. Stone Cold Steve Austin had to be Stunning Steve at one point. Most people would have been completely fine where he was. He was a superstar in the WCW, he had a successful tag team, but he wasn’t all the way where he wanted to be. He fought and worked harder than anyone and became an icon in the world of Pro Wrestling. He did everything he ever wanted to do and it was all because he believed in himself and he worked for it. I’m no superstar yet, but I won’t stop until I am one in whatever or wherever I am. Thanks all for reading and I’ll see you all tomorrow.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Today was a short day, I was at work all day yesterday and then last night I partied with some buddies so today started pretty late. Looks like tomorrow I’m in for a double shift so I’m going in at 10 and staying until 9PM. It’s not a really big deal especially after the holiday hours. I’m just really not looking forward to spending 11 hours at the kiosk.
I know I’m only on the second actual day of this blog, but I might as well have not even started. I almost missed a day today and it’s only the second day. I really need to stop putting things off like I do. I’m not about to embarrass myself in front of everyone over the internet. I mean to be honest, if I can’t commit to getting on the web for an hour, I really am lame.
I’ve been thinking a lot today about how things have changed since graduation. In school I was so sure I’d be living large in a matter of months. I really need to figure out what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. I think there are a lot of things I need to change in myself instead of just changing my job. I need to definitely improve my work, I need to learn how to draw again. Tomorrow I’ve decided rather than just counting down the clock at work, I’m going to use some of the time to improve my skills.
I’m sorry I’m keeping it short tonight but to be honest I didn’t do shit today. I woke up at noon I think and went to the mall with my friends. I didn’t do anything I was supposed to do today and I’m kinda pissed at myself. I was up late partying and had I just gone to bed at a normal hour I’d probably have something worth while to say. Sorry I dropped the ball today everyone. I have 5 minutes left to post this before the day is over and I feel like I shouldn’t even waste the space on this entry. I’ll have more to say tomorrow and I’m actually going to write as I’m at work. I think another problem with writing this so late is I forgot what I was going to write. I’m going to take some notes throughout the day so my thoughts are there when I blog them. Sorry this one sucked, I’ll do better next time!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Well here it is, the first post of my new life. This is the official beginning of what I am hoping will be my new life. I’ve been at work all day and I’m really glad to be back relaxing and writing. I first want to thank all of you guys who are following the blog, I really can’t do this by myself and if this is going to become what I want it to, I need all the help I can get. I already have a few friends helping out directly and I know that I have everyone’s support. Thanks everyone and now on to the first real blog of my quest to change my life.
Today’s been like every other day except for the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about writing. I had a pretty long commute so I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to say. About 4 hours of almost every day is spent either on a bus or train, or waiting for a bus or train. I do this everyday, day in day out, waiting for something to happen that will change. I sit there hoping for someone to see my art, or my site or call me for an interview. I wait for my phone to ring with a number that isn’t in my speed dial, hoping that it’s about a new job. Whenever I get a call from a new number it’s usually about my student loans, or credit card, or telling me that I won a free cruise and all I have to do is sign up for 2 years of Sports Illustrated. To be honest, I haven’t applied to another job since November 5th.
I complain about my job everyday, I come home exhausted, smelly and with feet that hurt so bad I can’t walk inside without shoes and what have I done about it? Absolutely nothing. I’ve become completely complacent with this job because it’s money that I didn’t have and it’s easy as shit to do. I sit in a mall for most of my awake life and try to sell software to a bunch of rude stuck up mall goers. To be honest, I’m pretty good at it and it’s okay money but I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I hate malls and I spend more time in one than anywhere else.
Today I worked from 10AM to 6PM and I talked to a total of 3 people. I sat on the company message board talking to other kiosk workers that were as bored as I was. I literally sat all day counting down 8 hours of my life until I was able to close up and go out to the bus. I spent the entire day wishing the day was over. Time is passing me by and I can’t do anything about it but click the reload button on Firefox. My life is awake sleeping, I sit in one location letting time pass by while I wait to be allowed to go home and sleep for real. I’m sick of wishing my days away, I’m sick of counting down my life, and I’m sick of sitting on the bus for two hours just to sit at a kiosk for 5, 8, or 11 hours.
These goals are all something that I started and never finished. Since I can remember, I’ve been trying to lose weight. Before I started the last few semesters of school I had been doing the P90X workout and was seeing really good results. Then When the workload got to be too much, I stopped and let myself go. Now I’m heavier than I’ve ever been and I hate that. I’m a little self-conscious about how I look but I’m honestly worried about my health more than my appearance. With diabetes in my family, I should not be eating the way I do. I have some friends that are going to whip me into shape whether I like it or not and I’m starting on a diet. First though I have to finish the unhealthy food I bought or donate it and buy new food.
My next goal is about my artwork. Almost a year ago, I came up with a comic book idea. I spent some time fleshing out characters and stories and I swore that I would work on it after school was over. Needless to say I didn’t do shit with it and I have nothing but what’s in my head and a couple word documents. Before the end of this year, my comic will be made. I am going to begin work on it and post it on my website every time there is a new installment. Also I’m going to completely re do my website. I can’t be Kieran 2.0 without kieranfallon.com Ver 2.0. I’m going to finish the project I’m currently working on with some friends also but on top of that, I am going to also develop a web series of cartoons I had been writing. Again something I thought up and never brought to life. I have other goals but until I achieve them, they’re a secret.
Thanks all of you for following this and please keep reading and feel free to comment. I want to know what you all think. I may write again tonight but if not I’ll be back tomorrow for day 2. Good night.