Kieran 2.0: Day 30

Well first month up and I'm glad that I stuck with this for the most part, but I'm a bit sad about my progress. I thought I'd be a little bit further. Oh well I guess I really need to push further. I hope this all comes together.

Right now I'm going to keep this brief because I have to fill out some papers. I may be in the market for a new job because my paychecks aren't what they used to be, plus the commute is killing me. Tomorrow I'm heading to my sister's house and we're gonna go visit mah dad so I'm pretty excited. I'm out for tonight. Gotta get a new job. Good night.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 27

Well I'm home from the most unnecessary day of work ever. I got in today at 1:44 this afternoon because no busses were running. For some reason though, the King of Prussia Mall was opened at normal time, even though a good deal of the people who work there take a bus there. It was pretty much empty except for a couple dozen people who really needed to get a pair of jeans and other stupid shit. It really pisses me off because I had to walk today in the snow to take a train, to catch a bus, to go and sit all day at a kiosk that nobody even glanced at all day because the fucking mall management people figured, "Hmmmm there's a foot of snow, but people need to spend money on stupid shit anyway."

I'm sick of sitting there as rude people ask me over and over where the damn bathroom is rather than was the 20 feet to find a map. I'm sick of having to be there while waves of unemployed losers spend hundreds of dollars on shit they'll wear once. It makes me sick because some of these people took a bus with ice on the roads just to shop. This world really has become all about money. I had to risk injury and even my life to ride a bus through the aftermath of a blizzard just to open a kiosk, make my hourly wage and leave without speaking to a single person.

This job is sucking the life out of me. I can't go on my phone, I can't surf the web, I can't even draw a fucking picture because I could get fired. News Flash, nobody wants to spend 500+ dollars on software, no matter how much it'll change their life. People don't have money!!! That's why I walked like a stupid shit in the snow to sit on a stool and watch an asinine video about actors pretending to use our product. I'm sorry this is such an angry rant, but that mall puts me in the doldrums. The people there have no concept of common sense whatsoever and have this sense of entitlement leading them to sometimes act as rude as humanly possible. I can't even remember the last time I actually got to spend time out in the sun unless I was walking to the bus. The most I usually see of the sun is the reflection on the tiles in the mall around 2:30. I don't think I can do it for much longer. I wake up each day slightly wanting to cry knowing that I have to spend time there. And now I'm about to go to sleep and wake up for another shift tomorrow morning. I'm there all damn day. I think I'm going to flip my shit.

Sorry this was so angry but I really needed to get that off my chest. Good night. See you tomorrow.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 26

I've been feeling lately like nothing is right, like everything I do hasn't been what I want it to be. I sit and try to draw and I can't seem to finish or even come up with a product I like. I don't know what's wrong. Things have been really uncertain lately and I think that's what's it but I don't know why it's getting to me so damn much. I feel like my mind is full of clouds, I can't seem to focus on anything and when I put the pencil to paper I hate what I see. I just want things to work, I want them to be right.

Kameele gave me a book to read that she says will solve all my problems. I'm gonna take a quick read before I hit the hay. I worked a little on my website today, just refining stuff but for some reason my site is down. It makes me a bit nervous because I just applied to a few jobs and if my site isn't up I'm f'd. I worked a little today on my character design project for a toon I'm making with a few other people. I think it's also what's making me nervous because I haven't heard from our project leader in a while. It's hard to meet up with them when I have work so much. Hopefully I can get in touch with them because I'm really banking on this project.

I dunno what else to say honestly. I'm really tired and I have work in the morning so I'm going to have to trudge through the snow. Good night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 25

So I'm back from Fico's place and boy are my arms tired. I worked out like a beached whale but I still have a lot of work to do. I didn't realize how out of shape I was to be honest. When you draw cartoons and sell software all day you don't run in to many times where you're exerting yourself. I got my exercises to do and I'm going to start tomorrow. I have to jump this hurdle in order to reach my goals.

I was really starting the day badly. I doubted everything and I was in a bit of a funk for the last few days. I just wondered where I was going in life an how I was going to get there. Things seem so uncertain and it's killing me. I just want to have something I know is for sure. The only thing that really brings me solace in all this is my Girlfriend Kameele. I don't know what I'd do without her. She makes me feel so much better about myself when I'm down, and she always believes in me even when I don't. I'm very lucky to have her and I love her with all my heart. I just want this all to work because I want to be able to give the both of us a better life than what we have. We live only to pay debt and I can barely afford it. I just want to find success in whatever I do and I need to work harder than I have been.

I had a few opportunities arise that could be something. I won't know until they pan out but wish me luck. I know I'm being hard on myself, but when I was younger I was so sure about everything. I had no real worries and everything was easy. Now I'm living life like it is. It's harsh but I know I can prevail if I keep strong. Things will hopefully go my way soon, I'm sick of living worried like a trapped animal. I need to make a lot of changes in myself because I'm no closer to achieving my goals now than I was 25 days ago. I'm gonna go to bed, tomorrow's a new day. Good night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 24 (system reboot)

Yeah first off I really want to say sorry for not blogging on forever. I have no real excuse, I had some things to do but nothing overly important. I just don't really know what as wrong honestly. I don't really feel like myself today. I woke up really late today to start. I've been trying to wake up early to work out but it hasn't worked out. I have been trying to keep active but I always feel so damn tired. I'm stressing a lot more lately also. I was very optimistic earlier on, things were going smoothly, my drawing skills were improving and I was happier than I have been for a while but today just seemed different.

I checked my schedule today for the week and my hours were cut like last week. I was told this is only temporary because of the new hires but I feel nervous anyway about it. I'm hoping I can save the money to get to go to Ireland this year but it's been tight lately. I haven't seen any family there in many years. To be honest, it'll be like meeting them all for the first time again it's been so long. I just hope it happens.

When I started this blog the goals I set seemed hard to obtain but within reach and I was confident I could do it. Now I wonder if I'll ever find a good job. I wonder about where I'll be and it's never optimistic. I need to think more positively I know, but I'm usually a very positive guy and it's hard when faced with so much debt, a shaky financial status, and a dead end job. I want a lot more and I need a lot more, but I wonder I'll ever achieve it.

Today I sat down to draw and it felt like a chore. I love drawing, I do it all the time but I feel like I have no energy sometimes. I sat for hours trying to draw and came up with only two drawings that I felt good about. I hate that feeling because it's how I felt in Ai, trying to push myself to create something great but all that comes out is shit. I just don;t know today. I'm off to work tomorrow, and after that to Fico's place so I'll have more tomorrow. For now I'm going to relax and have a bite to eat. Sorry about the negativity tonight but I needed to vent. Good night.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 21

Sorry I've been slacking. I've been working a lot and I'm pretty tired. I don't have much tonight but I got some art so ha! Anyway thanks for reading. I've found a new love for drawing again and I've been spending a lot of time doing it. I got some more MS paint and tomorrow I should be able to scan my other stuff. I got some cool Mortal Kombat fanart I did so hopefully I can get it up here tomorrow. It's a short one tonight, I don't feel too well. Night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 19

Ok I just realized I f'ed all my numbers in the a. I had two day 12's so from now on the numbering is correct. I'm sorry I missed a post also yesterday but I went to the premiere of the new movie with Ashton Kutcher in it and I got home late. The movie was pretty funny and Kameele wo the tickets so it was free either way. We had an awesome night and then went back to my place and turned in early. I was exhausted from hanging out and work so I went to sleep early and forgot my poor poor blog. I'm gonna keep it short tonight also because I'm heading to sleep but tomorrow I should have real blog with real thoughts and some sweet art. I've been drawing a lot lately and my skills are really improving. Anyway I'll be back tomorrow with some good stuff. Good night and I'll see you all tomorrow.

Kieran 2.0: Day 16

Okay everyone, I had some stuff happen that changed my outlook about things. I've been a little down on myself lately, it just seems like nothing is really working out, I'm still in my dead end job, I still have a ton of debt and things with finding a real job in my field aren't going completely great. I'm feeling like things may change soon though. The other day I e-mailed an alum from Ai who graduated and is working at RockStar games in New York.

I really needed something to give me some hope because it's hard to find success stories from the Art Institute. I just really wanted to know what I could do to be better and also what someone in the professional world thought of my work. He really put my mind at ease because he gave me some very good feedback, something that you don't often get from some people at Ai.

I've also been referred to someone by a friend of mine to design a website. I'm hoping that it works out because this job could hopefully open me up to a bunch of new opportunities. I really need something to come my way because I'm not getting any younger and time is really flying by. It's already half way through January which means that this blog is already 1/24th of the way through.

I've been drawing a lot lately and I've been trying to draw things that I'm not use to. Last night I drew Spider-Man and Venom and a few nights before I drew Wolverine but I've been trying to draw actual comic book style instead of my usual cartoony style. I've also been sketching with an actual pencil rather than a Wacom stylus!!! I'm trying to switch up my style and not be so safe. I want to be as good as I can be and I want to be something. I'm sick of riding a train into work everyday and taking shit from people at work or on Septa. I want success and I know I have to go out and get it for myself but I just wish I could just find it now. I'm going to go do some drawing and then hit the hay. I have an early morning tomorrow. Good night everyone and I'll see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0 Day 15 (short)

Okay so I know I missed yesterday but I'm making this one quick. Sorry all I know I've been slacking but I need some time to relax and chill. I have no work tomorrow and a new Rush DVD so I'm a gonna watch it and play some Sega Genesis. Good night all and I'll have some good stuff tomorrow!

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 14/15

Wow, I for got to blog last night. To be honest I got home from work and I just pretty much crashed when I got home. This isn't going to be the real entry, I'll put that up tonight but I just wanted to check in since I haven't in a while. Also here's another MS Paint pic.

-Kieran

Zangief

Just outta bed.

Kieran 2.0: Day 13

Well today was weird to be honest. I got up at the crack of noon only to waste away at the kiosk. No sales but I got one dude who should definitely be back to buy this weekend. I got an e-mail this morning about my linkedin account so I checked it out. It was a message about all the people I know who've gotten jobs, one of which being the dude who cheated his way to getting best portfolio. Honestly it pissed me the shit off to see that even that douche has something and I'm sitting at a goddamn kiosk in the mall selling software. I need to change something and I think it's my work ethic. Whenever I get home from work I'm so tired I usually go right to bed. In fact this is going to be a short one tonight because I got a double in the morning. And this is how my life goes, go to sleep, get up go to work, get home go to sleep, rinse and repeat. I have to change, I have to achieve all my goals, I have to get a better job. Good night all, see you tomorrow.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 12

Today is an art day for I decree it!!! Honestly I got nothing, today was boring, I didn't get any sales and I'm tired as shiz. I did some sweet MSpaint stuff so I'll send that your way!

Slipping Man

Sagat

Blanka

Juggernaut Without a helmet

The Man of Steel

The Dark Knight (again)

Mah Face

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 12

Today wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. I had the day off, not because of the snow but because I actually just had the day off. I honestly didn't do anything. I woke up around 11:30 and stayed in bed most the day. I had to call Sallie Mae today and I was trying to put it off as long as I could. I got a call from my buddy Demetrius and it was pretty cool to hear from him since it's been a while since we've talked. We talked about pretty much the same thing I blog about, money, school and hanging out. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this whole real world worry thing, seeing as pretty much all my friends have the same worries. I just wish we could all band together somehow. Demetrius came up with the idea of us making short comic strips and I think it's a pretty cool idea. I'm thinking of ideas and I'm going to try to make one comic for every post I do, just so I can make sure I keep drawing everyday.

I did end up calling Sallie Mae today but I didn't get anything done until after 8 PM. I called around 2 but they had some problems that led me to getting hung up on and redirected to an infinite loop on the phone menu. I finally got through after over a half an hour and they told me to call back in a half an hour. I called back at 8. I was ridiculously nervous because all I could think of was what if I don't qualify to postpone my loans. When I deal with financial aid type stuff I get overly nervous because I don't know what's going on half the time. It's kind of funny though because while I was in school I had to do all my financial aid stuff myself because my adviser was a useless bitch named Alicia McGregor. She did everything in her power to do as little as possible and be as rude as anyone could be. By the way I have no problem naming her because if you have her as your adviser, do yourself a favor and switch. She's completely incompetent and doesn't get anything done unless you yell in her stupid face.

I was on the phone for about 3o minutes but I ended up postponing my loans for a low price of $150. It seems whenever I do a budget, some random crap comes up that f's my budget in the a. I have a bunch of other bills to pay also and by the time they're done, I should have about $50 to last me until my next check. I feel like I have a job for no reason because the money I make isn't even enough to pay all my bills. I know I'm not the only person with this but I have so much debt that I wonder if I'll ever have a real life one day. I try to keep positive, but unless I hit it rich, I'm going to be paying out the ass for the next hundred years. I know that it's posible to become rich but I always wonder where I start from.

I know I have good ideas, but all I hear are horror stories about how people get ideas stolen, and how corporate people only look at if they can sell toys and merchandise of the idea. I want so badly to make something big that it's all I ever think about. I wish I could just get a break and get out there but I just don't know how. I'm looking into business of animation, and I'm hoping that when we pitch the project I'm in now, I will get some experience in how to pitch ideas.

I've been working on an animation project for a few months now and I like where it's going but I'm unsure of what's going on at the moment with it. I just hope it all works out well because I put a lot of things on hold for it and got this crap job to support myself while I work on it. I'm hoping that it'll be the break I'm looking for because it could give me the experience and knowledge I need to go further with my own things as well. I'm also hoping that if it takes off, it'll mean that I can focus on it as my main job.

I wish I could say that the forbearance put my mind at ease, but it's only a quick fix. I know I can find something, and I know I will, but it's hard staying positive in such uncertainty. I'll have to sacrifice a lot and really work hard, but this is exactly what I need to get this shit going. Good night and thanks for reading.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 11

Sorry this post is late, I took a long time to write it, sorry!!!

Well I'm sitting in bed writing in the dark and I just found out I can type without looking lol. It's kinda cool because to be honest I never really tried before. Anyway On with why I'm really here. I'm really glad to see everyone doing this blog thing because I know we all need change, I know how it feels to wake up feeling unsatisfied with everything that is going on. We all have so much talent and the idea that we're wasting away is ridiculous. We can all do this, exactly the way we all did while we were in school. We've pulled through from a lot of seemingly impossible scenarios like portfolio, moving, graduating and even burning our DVDs. We always pull through and in a way we're kinda together in this electronically, I suppose.

So t0day I went in to work like usual but I'm back to wishing away the hours yet again. Instead of wishing away the hours of my shift though, I'm sitting looking at the time I have left to change things. I know I wanted to change within a year, but with this new bill that I gotta pay now, I'm really going to have to do something sooner. I can't defer my private loans or really even get a lower payment and since I made that stupid mistake and wasn't paying enough attention I have no choice but to forbear by tomorrow. This will give me exactly 90 days to find a better job before I really have to start shitting my pants.

I've just had a revelation. I'm in almost the exact same situation as a person I know. This person recently got news about their job that has left them in uncertainty. They're also looking for a new job. I am sitting here freaking out because I can't pay a bill. I'm going to postpone it and look for a different job that can pay the bill. I really think though that this is the Universe's way of saying, "Seriously Kieran, get a better job." I need to stop looking at this as hopeless and impossible and realize that I have the power to fix all my problems. I can get a job that makes enough money to pay for this bill. In fact, I will get a better job, I'm sick of sitting on a damn bus for hours a day only to sit my ass down in a mall I wouldn't even go to on my day off. I'm going to have to really make a lot of sacrifices, and I'm going to have to get serious. This time next year, I'm going to be laughing my ass off at how scared I was on top of my big pile of money. Hopefully money and not soda bottles and chicken McNugget cartons.

I was thinking about how I really wish the Art Institute had a money back Gaurentee. I'd be a lot less stressed. To be honest, I learned a lot at AI, but I also taught myself a majority of the other skills I aquired. Without the teaching of Colin Merlo, I would not be nearly as skilled as I became over time. His teaching on the fundamentals of animation were flawless and extremely intuitive. Whie it seemed like a lot of work when he was assigning it to us, it always went by fast, and I couldn't wait to stake out a table in the 6th floor animation lab.

That being said, I need to get something off my chest about two teachers who eally made an impact on my life. I won't name names but I'll just say that they were my portfolio teachers at the end of school. These two people in question came off as two of the most bitter, rude psuedo-intellectual douches I've ever met in my life. If anyone reading this has them for anything, stay with what you believe in. I sold my soul and my self respect to them for nothing but a stupid piece of paper and a demo reel of "safe" work just so I could graduate. I feared them because for the first time in my life, I was close to finishing a huge goal that I had. I was about to complete college and all I had in my way were two teachers who made it their weekly goal to make me feel like an insignificant loser.

I sat awake every night at my art desk racking my brain for something I could quickly animate and show them in a few days, ONLY to have them sit there and shit all over everything. Any positive feedback came in the form of, "Well this isn't that good, but your color choice is okay." I was told by two people who never did anything but piss of a bunch of twenty-something art students, that my work sucked and I wasn't going to find anything. Oh not to mention they gave the best of portfolio award to a plagerizer. I would say that one of my biggest goals in this is to go back to AI as an alumni guest in Colin Merlo's protfolio class and tell the new students a story of success. I want them to know that I'm going to be something and in a way it's because of them. BEcause I want them to see what I can be, and to remember what they said and realize how wrong they were.

In AI, we were all constantly bombarded by the teachers telling us that we're probably wasting our money and will never find jobs. In fact the first few days of orientation I was told I had a low chance of graduating and an even lower chance of finding a job afterwards. I heard all this but I didn't give a shit because this is what I was meant to do, this is what I have know I wanted to do since I was a kid. I wasn't going to turn my back on my dream. I may be faced with some serious shit right now, but I will never give up on my dream to do what I love. No matter what two "teachers" say about me, no matter what anyone thinks, I will do this. I'm going to be the Superstar that I always knew I could be. Sorry this was a bit of a scatterbrained rant in my blog but it's been bothering me and I never really got over what happened in that class. I honestly came pretty close to giving up for a while because I let their bullshit get to me. Keep with what you want to do, don't let someone take what you love and ruin it ever.

I was going to talk about my priorities but all I have to say about it is that I'm setting an order of operations for my goals so I can achieve them easier. Anyway I'm done, sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

Some art for you guys too!

Kieran 2.0: Day 10

Well here it is, the first 10 days of my blog experiment. I'm glad it's going pretty well so far but I'm beginning to lose sight of what I want this blog to do. I'm sad to say it but tonight I think it's a gripe blog... I had a pretty shitty hand dealt to me today and now I'm scrambling to fix a whole bunch of crap going on.

I called Sallie Mae, the bank that loaned me my student loans and I'm at the end of my grace period. I owe them 1169 dollars this week. That's another thing, I thought I had until February but that was my gov't loans that are due in Feb. The rest is due this week and I'm just a little mad at myself for making such a dumb mistake. I tried to lower my payments but even lowered, they still would be eating almost 95% of my income.

I don't understand what I can do. I can't afford these payments and I may need to get a forbearance on the loan, but that only helps me for three months. I need to find a better job and I need to work on my resume and art. I need to change my life but how am I going to find the time anymore. My job I have now has been good so far but now with these new loans bills coming in, I may need to either get a better or an additional job, either that or stop liking to eat. I just wish things could be easy, just from now on. I wish I didn't have to worry about money or family or competing for jobs that I actually want. I just want things to work out. I know that things seem really scary right now but there are people in the world who have overcome worse. All of this has made me very thankful for everyone I have backing me up. I swear though, other people are more sure of my skills than I even am. I'm thankful everyday for everyone's support especially on this blog and I don't mean to complain so much, but I'm just really nervous. I just don't want to lose everyone I have in my life because without all of my family, my friends and my amazing girlfriend, I really wouldn't have anything. Anything but crippling debt.

I went to the gym today and I tried to brainstorm a bit on new ideas but this whole loan thing really got to me to be honest. I'm hoping things get sorted out in the next few days and if they do I'll be sure to let you all know. Thanks so much for reading, see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

Blink Pic lol

Kieran 2.0: Day 9

So I'm on day 2 of my three day weekend and I'm loving the time off. Today was a very lazy day, I relaxed and watched some old school South Park with Kameele. Overall it was a good day, but the looming student loan bills are on my mind in a big way. Tomorrow I'm going to finally read my options for payment plans because right now they want me to pay about 1300 dollars which isn't going to happen. I barely just make that much a month so I can not pay that at all. I don't understand it sometimes.

I honestly feel like you cannot be well educated unless you have a shit ton of money. All my life teachers and guidance councilors tell you to go to college and get into the best school you can, but all it really did for me so far is put me into a ridiculous amount of debt and get me a couple dollars more than minimum wage at my job. I'm in dire need of that change I was talking about and a year may be too long for me. I want to be comfortable, I want to be secure and I want money. I hate to put so much value into money but in this world it really does rule. I just want to be able to do what I want, and what I love to do without having to worry on a daily basis whether or not I'm going to have to sell my games, or DVDs or toys.

I always wonder if there will ever be a day when I won't wake up nervous about money, or bills, or any other things that gnaw away at my life. I feel like I honestly haven't been able to live in my entire life. I always have a looming shadow of doubt over me, or some other stupid worry that keeps me from being completely happy. Once that little worry gets planted it starts ticking away in my head until it detonates into full blown nervousness or sadness. I sit in a funk all the time and the art that I used to use as an escape is the only thing I have that can save me. I've been working on some stuff for my current project I'm in to keep me sane. I made some mouth charts and finally got down to some business since I've had so much time off. I feel bad because I really neglected my work during my holiday hours, but to be honest I couldn't get to it at all. My job has consumed most of my life lately to the point where I haven't really even seen my parents in the longest time.

I hate being away from family for so long because I've always been very family oriented. Between school and work though I haven't been able to make much time for them. I haven't saw my mom and sister for about 45 minutes last week, I haven't seen my dad since my graduation, and I haven't seen my grandparents in about 2 years. The rest of my family I haven't seen in anywhere from a year to 11 years, especially my family in Ireland. I'm trying to set my goals in order to change this because we don't know how much time we all have, and I need to see them. I miss being around them, especially on the holidays. It's gone on for too long, and I need to change this because family is so important, I don't want to live life with any regrets and I shouldn't have to.

I promise myself that things would change this year. This is supposed to be my year to make things right, to make things the way I want them. I can't go on living life paycheck to paycheck, at least on my current one. The world such an expensive place and nothing comes without a price. A good life isn't only a financial cost but a mental and physical one as well. I need to stop worrying about bills and accept that they're gonna come, but I'm going to pay them. I'm going to complete this quest. I know I'm capable of big things, as we all are, it's just a matter of going for it. I don't believe we have a set destiny and that everything is a set path that you can change. I believe we all have a destiny, but it's your responsibility to achieve it. I may be destined to be the greatest animator in the world, but if I don't work at it, how will I become it? everyone is capable of doing something great, I went with what my heart told me and went for animation. Now I have to get my mind and body in sync with my heart and be what I want to be. I am in control, I am my future's past and only I can set the path to the rest of my life. I can sure as hell say that I'm not going to get anywhere sitting on my ass all day worrying about Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo busting down my door. This is my life and I'm sure as shit not going to live like a damn loser because I'm too scared. I just need to find a starting point and jump off from there. This time next year, I'm not going to be worrying about my bills, I'm going to be worrying about which animation job I want more the awesome paying one or the awesomer paying one. I won't let myself down. Well reader(s) I'm gonna head out for the night. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow!

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 8

Well my first week is up and I'm feeling pretty good. I went to the gym today and worked out pretty hard. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine on a high level and I was pouring sweat. Tonight's going to be a relaxed night. Having a couple buds over for some beers and games so it should be pretty awesome. Usually I'd be worrying about having to get up tomorrow but I don't have work!!! I'm really happy and it's only my first day off!!!

I wish I could get the pics I drew at work up but at the moment I can't. I'm going to put them up the second I get to a scanner though because they're pretty cool. I really hate to say it but I don't think I have anything profound to say today. I went to the gym, I got my check and cashed it, and things are looking pretty good right now. This may be a lame blog again and I'm really sorry. I hate boring blogs because I want you to want to read but when I post boring crap and halfassed blogs why would you? I promise I'll have some good stuff tomorrow so check back and I'll make sure there's some art on here too. Thanks all for reading and I'm off to read some other blogs. See you all tomorrow!!!

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 7

Well here's the first week of my journey. Now just 52 more to go. I'm very hopeful of the future and I think I have this blog to thank for that. I've become committed to making one entry every night and I'm hoping I can be committed to the changes I'm trying to bring forth. I'm overall very happy with the way it's going so far and I can't wait to blog each day. Today's blog has some art as well but first I have to get on the soapbox for a minute.

I got some slightly disturbing news last night about my job. Apparently the kiosk I work at may be getting the axe and so might I. My manager told me it would be in my best interests to get an airport badge because I may end up over there. Honestly if I could work at the airport, it would be awesome. It's much closer to where I live and it's a lot less money I'll be spending each week on transit, but what bothers me is I've been talking to higher up managers and they all assure me that I'm safe and the kiosk is permanent. I know I need this job right now, and if I were to just lose it I'd be screwed. It just sickens me that people really don't care about anyone under them. My manager came to me because she actually cares about her workers but to corporate, we're just the worker ants bringing food to the queen.

I try to do a good job at everything I do, even this job, especially this job. I sell often and I do all that is asked of me. I cover others, I take shitty hours and it's all because this is my job and I can't afford to lose it. But to hear that I could just be given a "see ya later" because the mall is dead really pisses me off. My main goal is to provide security for myself and I may have to put it all on hold if this happens. I'm nervous, but I know things will come through. I spent a bit of time drawing today and I have some cool pics to put up. More MS Paint lol. I'll have my other pics scanned soon so check back. Thanks everyone for reading and I'm about to go read some blogs mah self. Kammy and Jess in particular. I'll see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

MulletGecko

Random Doods

Robo-Michaelangelo

Johnny from "The Room"

Ryu

Mah-self

Kieran 2.0: Day 6

Wow this blog is really passing by kinda fast. I know it's only day 6 but I've been thinking about doing this since my birthday and now it's for reals. I had an awesome time hanging with Fico and a surprise appearance from some old friends Chris Johnson and Chris Fryer, both of who I haven't seen in over 4 years and meeting some new ones as well. Also I worked out with Fico and that dude is a machine, for real. It really put into perspective how much work I need to do.

Fico gave me some good tips for dieting also. I'm hoping once I get my paycheck I'll be heading to Whole Foods to buy some stuff. It's going to be hard but if I want this I need to make sacrifices. I can eat bad food later on but for now I need to really buckle down and make changes. I'm not going to change by eating Taco Bell and pizza. I've been drawing a lot more since I started this blog and I love it. I remember why I like to draw again.

When I was starting out in the Art Institute I used to sit all day with a sketch book, drawing whatever came into my mind. That was before the portfolio turned me into this cold robotic animation factory. I never felt like I had an emotional connection to anything I drew during that class. I started off with good ideas and then was just forced to perform week in week out. I would come up with ideas in a few minutes and begin animating just to meet the strict deadlines. My entire demo reel is something I'll use as an example.

I usually get a good reaction from other peop;e when they see it, but when I watch it, I only see myself completely out of ideas scraping whatever I could together to show Gullo and Wetzel so they could rip me apart and send me on my way. I know it's harsh but I really don't like my demo reel. I think it's a good piece of work but it has very little personality and feels like a chore to watch. I worked so hard on it but it all feels like a waste. It just looks like I kind of sold myself out to me. I made it more so Gullo and Wetzel would get the hell off my back and let me pass. I pumped out each cartoon in as little time as possible so I wouldn't have to listen to their constant stream of negative bullshit. I honestly get so furious whenever I think of being in that class that it makes me almost feel sick. The emotional trauma they caused so many of my friends. Some of the friends I have even hate animating because of those two. They did very little to even teach. The class was seriously wait nervously until you're called up Bring work you busted your damn ass on for a week straight up to show them. Then sit and try to swallow your pride as they begin to give their "Critique." I once lost an entire grade because they didn't like the color. Why should the color matter? They're supposed to give criticism of where you could improve but they would often take their personal preference as grading criteria. They made me forget why I wanted to draw, and they made me afraid to draw and do what I love. I will never let someone like them ruin my spirit again. Never.

I've begun to play kind of drawing games to keep myself going. I draw anything that comes to mind, even if it doesn't make any sense. I think you should all give it a try. Just start drawing but don't worry about the construction or anything, and limit yourself to finishing in about 2 minutes or however long you want. It's like improv drawing, in fact I'm sure this is probably already a real exercise, but I discovered it for myself recently. I drew some cool stuff with it that I'll post when I can get to a scanner. Tonight no art but I needed to get some stuff off my chest about my insecurities in my art. Thanks readers and thanks Jess for your awesome words, and thanks to Kameele and everyone who was inspired by this to make their own blogs. I'm glad one of my goals is getting done even if it's only a little at first. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all tomorrow!

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 5

Hey just a quick post. I'm heading to the city now to run an errand and then going to hang out at my fried Fico's place. I haven't hung out with him since June so it should be pretty cool. I just wanted to put something up now because I'm not bringing my computer with me because I got work in the morning. I don't have much to write today so take a day off readers, I'll be back tomorrow night with something interesting most likely. I have time to hang with friends tonight and tomorrow a double so I'm sure there will be interesting things to say. Later all and thanks for reading.

-Kieran

Out of the shower, into your hearts!

Kieran 2.0: Day 4

So all in all today was a pretty radical day. I had a late shift and did exactly what I didn’t want to do and slept until noon. I couldn’t help it though my bed is pretty damn warm and I really didn’t want to face the day. However today seemed to breeze by pretty quickly. The mall was almost completely empty so I actually got some drawing done, but it was all in MS Paint. I used to do a lot of art in MSP but then I found Flash and never really looked back. I gotta say though, it was a lot of fun.

There’s something about working with the bare minimum that makes the drawings even more impressive. In Paint you have no hot keys, no fancy effects, just paint brush, bucket and lines. You only have a very limited color palette as well so you have to be careful. Time shot by and then I had to do a training video. The video was a lame “don’t do this don’t do that” type thing but it had hilariously bad photos to look at so it was ok. Also the quiz after each section was equally hilarious. I got it done and was treated to finding out that I will be having a 3 day weekend this week! I’m working another double on Thursday but in return I don’t have to work Saturday. Top it off with having Sunday and Monday off and I’m a happy boy.

I’m actually going to keep this blog a bit short today and finish with the pics I drew at work today. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m about to make my dinner and relax with some Call of Duty. Oh and did I mention I’m off tomorrow too? It’s a pretty cool week. Tomorrow I;m heading to hang out with mah buddy Fico so it should be a pretty awesome day. Good night all, thanks for reading and I’ll see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

Some old ones first...

Now the ones from today!!!

No scruff today and a smile!!!

Kieran 2.0: Day 3 Initializing

Today went pretty well. I started the day feeling pretty shitty and I had this ridiculously edgy blog to write. It was full to the brim with gripes which was pretty much me being a whiny bitch about having to work a double. Today wasn’t anywhere near as long as I thought it was going to be, and I got visited by my sister and mom so that was pretty sweet. Even more awesome, they brought me clam Chowder from Legal Seafood. This whole day got me thinking about the way I’m going about the blog.

I never intended this blog to be me bitching for eight paragraphs about how much things suck at the moment. This was meant to be a therapeutic device for me to let off some steam and force me to stick to my goals. I’m using this blog the way an angry kid uses Xanga (yeah remember that?). I want this blog to be about change and achieving goals. I want it to be about victory and not highlight my defeats. I am trying to overcome a huge barrier in my life and I need to complain once in a while to put things in perspective. I promise this won’t be just a “today I’m pissed” blog, it will be a “today I was awesome” blog.

I didn’t have my iPod today on the bus so I think that’s one of the reasons I was so grumpy today. I usually have Rush to start my day with some groove but today I only had the loud bus riders who thing they’re completely hilarious so they make sure they tell their jokes so all the bus can hear. News flash buddy, you’re not funny, that’s why nobody laughed so you can stop repeating the same lame joke, we get it, it’s just not funny.

Back to what I was saying, this day made me think that I need to get a grip on what’s bothering me rather than just acknowledge it and make it the main subject. Things really aren’t always as important as we make them out to be, and sometimes the things we get angry about aren’t why we’re angry. I thought I was angry because I was working a double today, which is 11 hours. I let it consume my entire morning and I couldn’t think anything else. I went into work pissed off and I worte all my thoughts down. Looking back, I can’t believe I let a shift get to me so much. I was fuming, writing things that in hindsight seem so stupid. I just want to have a career rather than another job. A job is something that isn’t fun, it’s a chore. A career is a life choice, and I want one.

After today I know things will eventually change. I can’t stay unsatisfied forever. Honestly I was beating myself up all morning thinking I was a loser with a shitty job but to be honest I would be more of a loser if I was completely satisfied and didn’t ever want anything more. Losers accept losing, and even winners lose some of the time or even all of the time. Stone Cold Steve Austin had to be Stunning Steve at one point. Most people would have been completely fine where he was. He was a superstar in the WCW, he had a successful tag team, but he wasn’t all the way where he wanted to be. He fought and worked harder than anyone and became an icon in the world of Pro Wrestling. He did everything he ever wanted to do and it was all because he believed in himself and he worked for it. I’m no superstar yet, but I won’t stop until I am one in whatever or wherever I am. Thanks all for reading and I’ll see you all tomorrow.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 2 (error)

Wow! Really sorry to be blogging so late but it’s still Day 2 so Ha! I’m still in the beginning stages of my goals so I’m preparing my stuff. I’m planning on starting my diet this week but first I have to finish the food I bought last week. I have 2 boxes of Shells and Cheese left and I don’t want to waste them. This week I’m going to be finishing up things with a current project I’m on as well as starting on my Web comic, so I’m pretty excited.

Today was a short day, I was at work all day yesterday and then last night I partied with some buddies so today started pretty late. Looks like tomorrow I’m in for a double shift so I’m going in at 10 and staying until 9PM. It’s not a really big deal especially after the holiday hours. I’m just really not looking forward to spending 11 hours at the kiosk.

I know I’m only on the second actual day of this blog, but I might as well have not even started. I almost missed a day today and it’s only the second day. I really need to stop putting things off like I do. I’m not about to embarrass myself in front of everyone over the internet. I mean to be honest, if I can’t commit to getting on the web for an hour, I really am lame.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about how things have changed since graduation. In school I was so sure I’d be living large in a matter of months. I really need to figure out what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. I think there are a lot of things I need to change in myself instead of just changing my job. I need to definitely improve my work, I need to learn how to draw again. Tomorrow I’ve decided rather than just counting down the clock at work, I’m going to use some of the time to improve my skills.

I’m sorry I’m keeping it short tonight but to be honest I didn’t do shit today. I woke up at noon I think and went to the mall with my friends. I didn’t do anything I was supposed to do today and I’m kinda pissed at myself. I was up late partying and had I just gone to bed at a normal hour I’d probably have something worth while to say. Sorry I dropped the ball today everyone. I have 5 minutes left to post this before the day is over and I feel like I shouldn’t even waste the space on this entry. I’ll have more to say tomorrow and I’m actually going to write as I’m at work. I think another problem with writing this so late is I forgot what I was going to write. I’m going to take some notes throughout the day so my thoughts are there when I blog them. Sorry this one sucked, I’ll do better next time!

Kieran 2.0: Day 1

Well here it is, the first post of my new life. This is the official beginning of what I am hoping will be my new life. I’ve been at work all day and I’m really glad to be back relaxing and writing. I first want to thank all of you guys who are following the blog, I really can’t do this by myself and if this is going to become what I want it to, I need all the help I can get. I already have a few friends helping out directly and I know that I have everyone’s support. Thanks everyone and now on to the first real blog of my quest to change my life.

Today’s been like every other day except for the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about writing. I had a pretty long commute so I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to say. About 4 hours of almost every day is spent either on a bus or train, or waiting for a bus or train. I do this everyday, day in day out, waiting for something to happen that will change. I sit there hoping for someone to see my art, or my site or call me for an interview. I wait for my phone to ring with a number that isn’t in my speed dial, hoping that it’s about a new job. Whenever I get a call from a new number it’s usually about my student loans, or credit card, or telling me that I won a free cruise and all I have to do is sign up for 2 years of Sports Illustrated. To be honest, I haven’t applied to another job since November 5^th.

I complain about my job everyday, I come home exhausted, smelly and with feet that hurt so bad I can’t walk inside without shoes and what have I done about it? Absolutely nothing. I’ve become completely complacent with this job because it’s money that I didn’t have and it’s easy as shit to do. I sit in a mall for most of my awake life and try to sell software to a bunch of rude stuck up mall goers. To be honest, I’m pretty good at it and it’s okay money but I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I hate malls and I spend more time in one than anywhere else.

Today I worked from 10AM to 6PM and I talked to a total of 3 people. I sat on the company message board talking to other kiosk workers that were as bored as I was. I literally sat all day counting down 8 hours of my life until I was able to close up and go out to the bus. I spent the entire day wishing the day was over. Time is passing me by and I can’t do anything about it but click the reload button on Firefox. My life is awake sleeping, I sit in one location letting time pass by while I wait to be allowed to go home and sleep for real. I’m sick of wishing my days away, I’m sick of counting down my life, and I’m sick of sitting on the bus for two hours just to sit at a kiosk for 5, 8, or 11 hours.

These goals are all something that I started and never finished. Since I can remember, I’ve been trying to lose weight. Before I started the last few semesters of school I had been doing the P90X workout and was seeing really good results. Then When the workload got to be too much, I stopped and let myself go. Now I’m heavier than I’ve ever been and I hate that. I’m a little self-conscious about how I look but I’m honestly worried about my health more than my appearance. With diabetes in my family, I should not be eating the way I do. I have some friends that are going to whip me into shape whether I like it or not and I’m starting on a diet. First though I have to finish the unhealthy food I bought or donate it and buy new food.

My next goal is about my artwork. Almost a year ago, I came up with a comic book idea. I spent some time fleshing out characters and stories and I swore that I would work on it after school was over. Needless to say I didn’t do shit with it and I have nothing but what’s in my head and a couple word documents. Before the end of this year, my comic will be made. I am going to begin work on it and post it on my website every time there is a new installment. Also I’m going to completely re do my website. I can’t be Kieran 2.0 without kieranfallon.com Ver 2.0. I’m going to finish the project I’m currently working on with some friends also but on top of that, I am going to also develop a web series of cartoons I had been writing. Again something I thought up and never brought to life. I have other goals but until I achieve them, they’re a secret.

Thanks all of you for following this and please keep reading and feel free to comment. I want to know what you all think. I may write again tonight but if not I’ll be back tomorrow for day 2. Good night.

-Kieran