Kieran 2.0: Day 30

Well first month up and I'm glad that I stuck with this for the most part, but I'm a bit sad about my progress. I thought I'd be a little bit further. Oh well I guess I really need to push further. I hope this all comes together.

Right now I'm going to keep this brief because I have to fill out some papers. I may be in the market for a new job because my paychecks aren't what they used to be, plus the commute is killing me. Tomorrow I'm heading to my sister's house and we're gonna go visit mah dad so I'm pretty excited. I'm out for tonight. Gotta get a new job. Good night.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 27

Well I'm home from the most unnecessary day of work ever. I got in today at 1:44 this afternoon because no busses were running. For some reason though, the King of Prussia Mall was opened at normal time, even though a good deal of the people who work there take a bus there. It was pretty much empty except for a couple dozen people who really needed to get a pair of jeans and other stupid shit. It really pisses me off because I had to walk today in the snow to take a train, to catch a bus, to go and sit all day at a kiosk that nobody even glanced at all day because the fucking mall management people figured, "Hmmmm there's a foot of snow, but people need to spend money on stupid shit anyway."

I'm sick of sitting there as rude people ask me over and over where the damn bathroom is rather than was the 20 feet to find a map. I'm sick of having to be there while waves of unemployed losers spend hundreds of dollars on shit they'll wear once. It makes me sick because some of these people took a bus with ice on the roads just to shop. This world really has become all about money. I had to risk injury and even my life to ride a bus through the aftermath of a blizzard just to open a kiosk, make my hourly wage and leave without speaking to a single person.

This job is sucking the life out of me. I can't go on my phone, I can't surf the web, I can't even draw a fucking picture because I could get fired. News Flash, nobody wants to spend 500+ dollars on software, no matter how much it'll change their life. People don't have money!!! That's why I walked like a stupid shit in the snow to sit on a stool and watch an asinine video about actors pretending to use our product. I'm sorry this is such an angry rant, but that mall puts me in the doldrums. The people there have no concept of common sense whatsoever and have this sense of entitlement leading them to sometimes act as rude as humanly possible. I can't even remember the last time I actually got to spend time out in the sun unless I was walking to the bus. The most I usually see of the sun is the reflection on the tiles in the mall around 2:30. I don't think I can do it for much longer. I wake up each day slightly wanting to cry knowing that I have to spend time there. And now I'm about to go to sleep and wake up for another shift tomorrow morning. I'm there all damn day. I think I'm going to flip my shit.

Sorry this was so angry but I really needed to get that off my chest. Good night. See you tomorrow.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 26

I've been feeling lately like nothing is right, like everything I do hasn't been what I want it to be. I sit and try to draw and I can't seem to finish or even come up with a product I like. I don't know what's wrong. Things have been really uncertain lately and I think that's what's it but I don't know why it's getting to me so damn much. I feel like my mind is full of clouds, I can't seem to focus on anything and when I put the pencil to paper I hate what I see. I just want things to work, I want them to be right.

Kameele gave me a book to read that she says will solve all my problems. I'm gonna take a quick read before I hit the hay. I worked a little on my website today, just refining stuff but for some reason my site is down. It makes me a bit nervous because I just applied to a few jobs and if my site isn't up I'm f'd. I worked a little today on my character design project for a toon I'm making with a few other people. I think it's also what's making me nervous because I haven't heard from our project leader in a while. It's hard to meet up with them when I have work so much. Hopefully I can get in touch with them because I'm really banking on this project.

I dunno what else to say honestly. I'm really tired and I have work in the morning so I'm going to have to trudge through the snow. Good night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 25

So I'm back from Fico's place and boy are my arms tired. I worked out like a beached whale but I still have a lot of work to do. I didn't realize how out of shape I was to be honest. When you draw cartoons and sell software all day you don't run in to many times where you're exerting yourself. I got my exercises to do and I'm going to start tomorrow. I have to jump this hurdle in order to reach my goals.

I was really starting the day badly. I doubted everything and I was in a bit of a funk for the last few days. I just wondered where I was going in life an how I was going to get there. Things seem so uncertain and it's killing me. I just want to have something I know is for sure. The only thing that really brings me solace in all this is my Girlfriend Kameele. I don't know what I'd do without her. She makes me feel so much better about myself when I'm down, and she always believes in me even when I don't. I'm very lucky to have her and I love her with all my heart. I just want this all to work because I want to be able to give the both of us a better life than what we have. We live only to pay debt and I can barely afford it. I just want to find success in whatever I do and I need to work harder than I have been.

I had a few opportunities arise that could be something. I won't know until they pan out but wish me luck. I know I'm being hard on myself, but when I was younger I was so sure about everything. I had no real worries and everything was easy. Now I'm living life like it is. It's harsh but I know I can prevail if I keep strong. Things will hopefully go my way soon, I'm sick of living worried like a trapped animal. I need to make a lot of changes in myself because I'm no closer to achieving my goals now than I was 25 days ago. I'm gonna go to bed, tomorrow's a new day. Good night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 24 (system reboot)

Yeah first off I really want to say sorry for not blogging on forever. I have no real excuse, I had some things to do but nothing overly important. I just don't really know what as wrong honestly. I don't really feel like myself today. I woke up really late today to start. I've been trying to wake up early to work out but it hasn't worked out. I have been trying to keep active but I always feel so damn tired. I'm stressing a lot more lately also. I was very optimistic earlier on, things were going smoothly, my drawing skills were improving and I was happier than I have been for a while but today just seemed different.

I checked my schedule today for the week and my hours were cut like last week. I was told this is only temporary because of the new hires but I feel nervous anyway about it. I'm hoping I can save the money to get to go to Ireland this year but it's been tight lately. I haven't seen any family there in many years. To be honest, it'll be like meeting them all for the first time again it's been so long. I just hope it happens.

When I started this blog the goals I set seemed hard to obtain but within reach and I was confident I could do it. Now I wonder if I'll ever find a good job. I wonder about where I'll be and it's never optimistic. I need to think more positively I know, but I'm usually a very positive guy and it's hard when faced with so much debt, a shaky financial status, and a dead end job. I want a lot more and I need a lot more, but I wonder I'll ever achieve it.

Today I sat down to draw and it felt like a chore. I love drawing, I do it all the time but I feel like I have no energy sometimes. I sat for hours trying to draw and came up with only two drawings that I felt good about. I hate that feeling because it's how I felt in Ai, trying to push myself to create something great but all that comes out is shit. I just don;t know today. I'm off to work tomorrow, and after that to Fico's place so I'll have more tomorrow. For now I'm going to relax and have a bite to eat. Sorry about the negativity tonight but I needed to vent. Good night.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 21

Sorry I've been slacking. I've been working a lot and I'm pretty tired. I don't have much tonight but I got some art so ha! Anyway thanks for reading. I've found a new love for drawing again and I've been spending a lot of time doing it. I got some more MS paint and tomorrow I should be able to scan my other stuff. I got some cool Mortal Kombat fanart I did so hopefully I can get it up here tomorrow. It's a short one tonight, I don't feel too well. Night all.

-Kieran

Kieran 2.0: Day 19

Ok I just realized I f'ed all my numbers in the a. I had two day 12's so from now on the numbering is correct. I'm sorry I missed a post also yesterday but I went to the premiere of the new movie with Ashton Kutcher in it and I got home late. The movie was pretty funny and Kameele wo the tickets so it was free either way. We had an awesome night and then went back to my place and turned in early. I was exhausted from hanging out and work so I went to sleep early and forgot my poor poor blog. I'm gonna keep it short tonight also because I'm heading to sleep but tomorrow I should have real blog with real thoughts and some sweet art. I've been drawing a lot lately and my skills are really improving. Anyway I'll be back tomorrow with some good stuff. Good night and I'll see you all tomorrow.